How do I see myself?

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meditationFor the past month with Rahul Gandhi and his woman’s empowerment and women’s day programs I have had an overload of it all.

Sometimes I wonder if we glorify the “abla naari” that is the oppressed woman and feel so great wallowing in self-pity. Maybe there is a romance is us rebelling against this goliath called society which oppresses women. One thing I realize that if we kept doing what we have conviction in or what we think we have to be doing somewhere along the line people accept us.

But most women like to hide being the righteousness of being a good mother, wife, to explain not achieving their potential.

I have been listening to this person for almost 6 months now, I don’t have a house, my husband has left me, my kids don’t care etc. in very abusive language. But somewhere when she went on a tirade yesterday her son was quietly getting ready to go, she asked him “now where you want to go”

That was in octaves.

The boy said he was going for an awards function, where his father was receiving an award. She started off, the boy turned round and told her, “I have no respect for him, he left us when we needed him the most but I cannot do it him. I will be there till his session is over and return that’s my role as son.”

It was then it struck to me that the boy does small things so that she does not get hurt. It’s not just this person by and large all of us  seem to focus on things we don’t have. I crib that we don’t go on a family holiday but fail to appreciate that I go spend time with my 70yr. Old mother who still drives me around and cooks when I am there. That’s my holiday!!

Then there is this time, when people tell me I am their role model, or that they come to me when they are stagnated, instead of being humbled or even arrogant about it, I become furtive, the internal dialogue that is going on is “ but they don’t know that I am hollow, I don’t really deserve this looking up, after all I flunked math in 5th grade and I still cannot spell to save my life.”

Forget about ancient history, last evening I was catching up with my good friend Adrian who is success skill trainer, and he kept laughing during the conversation and I was like I am really that funny I was so skeptic about whether he was laughing at me or did he really think I was witty. Adrian being Adrian finish’s his coffee with  “Doc I really like being with you, you have a way of putting things and I enjoy it” believe me I am in this state where i cannot accept a compliment gracefully. This must be the case with so many of us.

At session of Asma D’Souza’s workshop she came up with an exercise where we had to look at ourselves and figure out what self-image we had, all that I could come out with was “fat, ugly and scatterbrain” who did I want to be like?

And the child that’s born on the Sabbath day is fair and wise and good and gay—that was the ideal I was looking at.

I have now over the past year started applying what I learnt from Shakti Gawain’s trainings and the Landmark education forum. I have started connecting my source.

Connecting to the source for me was connecting to nature, and I found I was most empowered after working with the soil, no not pottery  but pottering around with plants and trees.

PS: if you are on a path to self-healing I would suggest that you address these questions for yourself. These are musings as I practice self-healing.

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